Untitled

Nothing to blog..

Just this....

Please appreciate when i am here to care, to love and to be ard when needed,
But never take it for granted,
One day i might leave and nvr come back,
If you will never regret losing, then i have nothing more to say.

Died...tats all and nothing else..

BOO~!!

Mental note to myself : Shall not start posts with "juz realised i haven been bloggin for awhile.." in order to avoid ppl who realises alot to realise that i realised i haven been bloggin..@_@.. in other words.. no more i juz realised..check!

Hurhur=x.. for those who know me will surely know that i have been missin for the past week (hmm 2 weeks now..since i wrote tis and din post it=x)well where have i been? ermmm...been loitering ard? okok.. been playin highstreet5 - malaysian server..lolzz..the reason? well ive been audi'ing for so long and ppl i know have come and gone..and yet im still ard..its gotten a bit lonely ><... and u guys have always said play new game la, don be an audi freak..well im following ur advice lo..haha..

Been quite addicted to it actually..most probably becoz it has quite nice graphics and different songs! movement wise some quite cool also..and its quite an interactive game as in ppl actually get to talk to each other face to face..lolzz..i knw its lame but sometimes standin in circles in room verli boring one u know...:P

Actually started with sg server..but stopped..felt the game was too weird..maybe coz ive been audi'ing too long..then malaysian server came and well decided to try again (btw babe i blame u for pulling me in =x bleh~ excuses)

Ah well..all is fine with me..im..ermm...occupyin my time..taking it off the real world..after a hard's day work..its fun to sit brainlessly in front of the comp and be a zombie...hmmmm...tis reminds me when i first started audi'ing..well actually it doesnt.. i wasnt half as bad when i first started..it only started to get over the top when i juz resigned from my ex co and was lookin for a job..tat time..walao..since vara kept forcing me to get to amateur..i pia'ed in tat 11/2 months and leveled like crazy..hiong ar =x... was playin for almost 20hrs per day..slept cpl of hrs and then wake up and sit in front of comp again..ahhh.. those were the days when madness was me..hahaha..blek

Shall post some pics when im done editing (god knows how many times ive said tat -.- so don say i keep sayin tat..) i will larrrrrrr=x

lotsa luv..hugss and muackss from me :)

Incomplete......

To avoid more tags reminding me that i might have forgotten my 1st resolution of the year..or rather abandoned it..I most certainly did not!~=XX

So here i am.. guai guai blogging..lolzz..ok tats it..bb~ roflmao..

My life has been a roller coaster ride of emotions lately...esp these cpl of months..one after another they keep coming at me..making me tired almost everyday..i think alot..cant help it tats me..

Latest news in my life..? Just found out last nite that my long lost father who abandoned the family when i was 8 had past away...and quite a few years back...mum had heard it from frens who knew him but was nvr really certain..me? i jus found out last nite when i held his death certificate in my hand..

My mind went blank and yet i did not shed a tear.. not even one for the man that had made my existance in this world possible..other than the fact that his blood runs in my veins...i felt bad that i was unable to feel any sadness or sense of lose..when i did have a bit of emotion in me..i felt guilty..guilty becoz of my mum..wat she had to go through all those years of raising us alone..a single young woman whose life had suddenly ended when she had to raise 3 children by herself..

Im so torn....

Went to work in a state of daze..and told the news to my best fren at work...she asked me wat i felt at the time..i said nothing..and i cried..Not for losing a father but knowing i will never be able to confront him as an adult with my own mind and ask him the reasons he left..did he ever care for this family or was his pride of losing his family fortune so strong that he could not see wat was more important..i will never know the answers...How can i forgive and forget when i feel more angry now...Am i a bad person?

This is the man who tried to sell me when i was a baby..the man who did not work to support his family..the man who had an affair and left the family..how could i be a bad person to hate him? Maybe coz its not for me to judge what is rite and wat is wrong...im human too..He is the main reason why i find it so hard to trust in anyone..to always think of the negative instead of wat is positive..to always my emotions get the best of me...u might say ..tis is all an excuse..well bite me lolzz..

After all this..i guess i have no choice but to accept the fact that he is gone..and i will be wondering abt my childhood for the rest of my life..but i shall not let it ruin wat is to come and i will walk on..though i might not have had closure but it is certainly the end of that chapter for me...I shall not let this ruin my new year..and i will go on with i have planned xD..so wish me luck guys^^

So wateva ur stories are..no matter how hard and painful it is..i always believe there is light at the end of tunnel..juz remember that there are ppl who are more in need than u..

"...when u cease to dream..u cease to live..."

So..im still here..still alive and well and continuing loving the ppl ard me :P

Till my next blog (and i will remember k -.-") <333333333 muackss~

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2oo8~~!!!

Wootz its a New Year~!!!

How time flies.. new year...new beginning xD..i realise that i havent blogged in almost 2 months..well~ wat happened u ask? tats between me,myself and i^^..no seriously.. in these cpl of months i have learned so much abt ppl..the ppl i thought i knew, abt love..relationships and how fragile they are..one minute everything is wonderful the next..well..

Enuf abt tat..its all in the past..and one thing is for sure..i have become a different person..and have learned to look at things at a different perspective..and i know no matter how bad it was at the time..how hurt a person can be..time always heals xD...believe me..it does..it will always be a part of u.. a memory..so i rather keep the wonderful memories i have accumulated and move on..keke^^

Oh well..its a NEW YEAR!!! Time to rejoice and hope that tis year will be better and chiong arhh!!! LMAO! Hopefully resolutions will be kept tis year :P..I WILL SURVIVE!! LOL =x bleah~

Wats new? Job stil sucks -.-" these past 2 weeks have been worse..my partner in crime has been on leave and i have been covering her work for her..on top on tat my own tasks..walao dam tired can? Ive suddenly become extremely noobish in audi..cant seem to play more than 4 games and then fall asleep at the kb ><" i hate audi *&)#&^#&*!()%$) =xx..jk la :P:P.. In the midst of lookin for a new job..until then i will have no choice but to endure T_T.. wish me luck!

My new year was spent at home..i actually woke up at 3pm =x..brain fried..and tomolo work again!! i have such a boring life..lol..actually frens ask me out on new year eve but i was too dam lazy to drive out hahaha><..so cant blame anyone for my lack of activity in life..bah bah~

Am going out soon..promise will start bloggin again le..promise xD..if there's is anyone there is still readin tis..haha..anyway i read for my own pleasure..to look back and think of how i silly i use to be^^

HAPPY NEW YEAR AGAIN!! May this year be a better, more fruitful year for everyone~!

Muacksssss <33

Brain dead...mind lost...soul?

Juz realised that i havent been blogging for awhile..therefore in an attempt to wake up my blog again..here i am..blogging x.x..lolzz..

Why havent i might be the question..the answer? I dont really know why...maybe its a case of writers block or nothing interesting has been happening to me or i jz dont the heart to say anything...

Loneliness is a state of mind..or so i have always said to myself..at some point or another i always feel alone...i know i shouldnt..i have ppl ard me that loves and cares for me..but i juz cant help it at times...im insecure and lack confidence in ppls concern for me..i doubt when ppl say they care for me..im always thinking..why should they care for me? im nt a good person enuf to deserve it..

Im always anyhow thinking..anyhow worrying..its driving me insane at times..im afraid to care alot for ppl.. and when i do..im afraid i might lose them..no matter how they say i wont..i juz cant believe in never..am i losing my mind? Trusting someone is so hard for me...it kills me at times..

Work has been depressing as usual..getting worse by the day actually...constant remindals of how useless i am at work is slowly making me totally incapable of believing in myself...i want to leave and yet i feel guilty and sad for leaving a good friend of mine there..im so full of shit..

Suddenly i feel that the only times i do blog is when i feel lost and screwed up and there's no one ard to listen...oh well tats juz me..when will i be able to be the person i was once was..? happiness is all im seeking in this life...is tat so hard?

HOLIDAYS!! WOOOOTZZ!!!

Hehe...as the title implies..yes i am officially on leave le...well now i am...wanna know why? It because i had to work until abt 5am last nite to finish up my work before i could be OFFICIALLY on leave =.="

Dam tired...tot it would never finish..at one point..i really felt like crying..as childish and stupid as tat may sound..if oni u were in my shoes, you would totally get wat i am talking abt..never in my entire working life has a job got me so depressed and work up at the same time..most of the times we are juz doing double if not triple work.. and it keeps on coming and coming and coming...wah seh neverending k?

Oh well tats is the past..and at the moment im enjoyin my hard earned rest..hope it doesnt go too fast...Havent been doing much actually..watching dvd'd (CSI :P:P) and well if im reallyyyyy into it..audi ba..it jus feels weird that everyone else is working and im not..seriously? i dont think ive ever taken leave from work before..honest to God..i never really have...unless its an emergency and cant be helped or if im really really really sick..i mean the type tat u cant get out of bed from..lolzz..if not ill still be working...zhu rite? tats wat everyone says...yea yea..

Ooo..ok juz spotted my sis's magazine..Oct copy some more..Slurp! Well keep it short and sweet tis time around...since i have a few free days to blog :P

Lotsa lotsa luv and hugsss..muacks!

counting down the days...

I wish at times i was a little more dumb..i dont mean stupid but just abit less alert and sensitive abt ppl..even by the slightest body language or they way they talk..i would say 9 out of 10 times, i totally know wat they're getting at..Its not something to be proud of, not a gift as ppl would say to me..its more of a curse..

Most of the times..i act stupid and pretend not to understand..i do this because i hope that what im thinking of it not true...and i respect ppl's privacy..if they chose not to tell me wats going on..who am i to say otherwise..? even the closest of frens have been affected by it..

Im sorry guys..it was never done intentionally...to know wat you were always up to before telling and making you all feel defensive and protective..its juz a very strong sense of gut feeling..

IGNORANCE IS TRULY BLISS <33....

Life would certainly be more simpler and happier...maybe its becoz im a sensitive and very emotional person..or maybe tats juz me..and no my judgement is nvr based on strictly emotions..as angry or sad as i am .. my mind is always rational..its indeed a curse... to feel pain and not be able to let it out..to always feel for other ppl's hurt and sadness before mine..i will always be there to listen.. but who will listen to me..?

At times i feel that ppl find it hard for me to be sad..and that im strong enuf..maybe its coz i always seem to be happy and laughing..even when its really nt ok..but no one ever notices...and on some occasions i do try to say how i feel..and most of the times..they would ignore wat i have to say...and so i have learnt to keep quiet..is it a joke when i say im sad? even as i blog here..believe u me..there will nvr be sympathetic smses or calls to see how im doing...

Maybe i expect too much from ppl..juz because i can do it..doesnt mean everyone else can..its not an obligation or a must for them to care for me..i do it not for recognition...perhaps im not a good enuf fren..maybe im too selfish..maybe...i don deserve to be cared for..

And now..i stand at the crossroads of my life..a decision to make..that will change my life..and im afraid..will i be ok? will it be the right choice? my family supports me but there are things i cant let go off...will i regret it?

No one will know..its my choice to make...but i will have to confide in myself only..and no one else to turn to..the rain is reflecting my the emptiness i feel inside..my sadness..

Heartbroken..and torn..

~still counting down...7 days to go...~