Juz realised that i havent been blogging for awhile..therefore in an attempt to wake up my blog again..here i am..blogging x.x..lolzz..
Why havent i might be the question..the answer? I dont really know why...maybe its a case of writers block or nothing interesting has been happening to me or i jz dont the heart to say anything...
Loneliness is a state of mind..or so i have always said to myself..at some point or another i always feel alone...i know i shouldnt..i have ppl ard me that loves and cares for me..but i juz cant help it at times...im insecure and lack confidence in ppls concern for me..i doubt when ppl say they care for me..im always thinking..why should they care for me? im nt a good person enuf to deserve it..
Im always anyhow thinking..anyhow worrying..its driving me insane at times..im afraid to care alot for ppl.. and when i do..im afraid i might lose them..no matter how they say i wont..i juz cant believe in never..am i losing my mind? Trusting someone is so hard for me...it kills me at times..
Work has been depressing as usual..getting worse by the day actually...constant remindals of how useless i am at work is slowly making me totally incapable of believing in myself...i want to leave and yet i feel guilty and sad for leaving a good friend of mine there..im so full of shit..
Suddenly i feel that the only times i do blog is when i feel lost and screwed up and there's no one ard to listen...oh well tats juz me..when will i be able to be the person i was once was..? happiness is all im seeking in this life...is tat so hard?
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
HOLIDAYS!! WOOOOTZZ!!!
Hehe...as the title implies..yes i am officially on leave le...well now i am...wanna know why? It because i had to work until abt 5am last nite to finish up my work before i could be OFFICIALLY on leave =.="
Dam tired...tot it would never finish..at one point..i really felt like crying..as childish and stupid as tat may sound..if oni u were in my shoes, you would totally get wat i am talking abt..never in my entire working life has a job got me so depressed and work up at the same time..most of the times we are juz doing double if not triple work.. and it keeps on coming and coming and coming...wah seh neverending k?
Oh well tats is the past..and at the moment im enjoyin my hard earned rest..hope it doesnt go too fast...Havent been doing much actually..watching dvd'd (CSI :P:P) and well if im reallyyyyy into it..audi ba..it jus feels weird that everyone else is working and im not..seriously? i dont think ive ever taken leave from work before..honest to God..i never really have...unless its an emergency and cant be helped or if im really really really sick..i mean the type tat u cant get out of bed from..lolzz..if not ill still be working...zhu rite? tats wat everyone says...yea yea..
Ooo..ok juz spotted my sis's magazine..Oct copy some more..Slurp! Well keep it short and sweet tis time around...since i have a few free days to blog :P
Lotsa lotsa luv and hugsss..muacks!
Dam tired...tot it would never finish..at one point..i really felt like crying..as childish and stupid as tat may sound..if oni u were in my shoes, you would totally get wat i am talking abt..never in my entire working life has a job got me so depressed and work up at the same time..most of the times we are juz doing double if not triple work.. and it keeps on coming and coming and coming...wah seh neverending k?
Oh well tats is the past..and at the moment im enjoyin my hard earned rest..hope it doesnt go too fast...Havent been doing much actually..watching dvd'd (CSI :P:P) and well if im reallyyyyy into it..audi ba..it jus feels weird that everyone else is working and im not..seriously? i dont think ive ever taken leave from work before..honest to God..i never really have...unless its an emergency and cant be helped or if im really really really sick..i mean the type tat u cant get out of bed from..lolzz..if not ill still be working...zhu rite? tats wat everyone says...yea yea..
Ooo..ok juz spotted my sis's magazine..Oct copy some more..Slurp! Well keep it short and sweet tis time around...since i have a few free days to blog :P
Lotsa lotsa luv and hugsss..muacks!
Sunday, October 7, 2007
counting down the days...
I wish at times i was a little more dumb..i dont mean stupid but just abit less alert and sensitive abt ppl..even by the slightest body language or they way they talk..i would say 9 out of 10 times, i totally know wat they're getting at..Its not something to be proud of, not a gift as ppl would say to me..its more of a curse..
Most of the times..i act stupid and pretend not to understand..i do this because i hope that what im thinking of it not true...and i respect ppl's privacy..if they chose not to tell me wats going on..who am i to say otherwise..? even the closest of frens have been affected by it..
Im sorry guys..it was never done intentionally...to know wat you were always up to before telling and making you all feel defensive and protective..its juz a very strong sense of gut feeling..
IGNORANCE IS TRULY BLISS <33....
Life would certainly be more simpler and happier...maybe its becoz im a sensitive and very emotional person..or maybe tats juz me..and no my judgement is nvr based on strictly emotions..as angry or sad as i am .. my mind is always rational..its indeed a curse... to feel pain and not be able to let it out..to always feel for other ppl's hurt and sadness before mine..i will always be there to listen.. but who will listen to me..?
At times i feel that ppl find it hard for me to be sad..and that im strong enuf..maybe its coz i always seem to be happy and laughing..even when its really nt ok..but no one ever notices...and on some occasions i do try to say how i feel..and most of the times..they would ignore wat i have to say...and so i have learnt to keep quiet..is it a joke when i say im sad? even as i blog here..believe u me..there will nvr be sympathetic smses or calls to see how im doing...
Maybe i expect too much from ppl..juz because i can do it..doesnt mean everyone else can..its not an obligation or a must for them to care for me..i do it not for recognition...perhaps im not a good enuf fren..maybe im too selfish..maybe...i don deserve to be cared for..
And now..i stand at the crossroads of my life..a decision to make..that will change my life..and im afraid..will i be ok? will it be the right choice? my family supports me but there are things i cant let go off...will i regret it?
No one will know..its my choice to make...but i will have to confide in myself only..and no one else to turn to..the rain is reflecting my the emptiness i feel inside..my sadness..
Heartbroken..and torn..
~still counting down...7 days to go...~
Most of the times..i act stupid and pretend not to understand..i do this because i hope that what im thinking of it not true...and i respect ppl's privacy..if they chose not to tell me wats going on..who am i to say otherwise..? even the closest of frens have been affected by it..
Im sorry guys..it was never done intentionally...to know wat you were always up to before telling and making you all feel defensive and protective..its juz a very strong sense of gut feeling..
IGNORANCE IS TRULY BLISS <33....
Life would certainly be more simpler and happier...maybe its becoz im a sensitive and very emotional person..or maybe tats juz me..and no my judgement is nvr based on strictly emotions..as angry or sad as i am .. my mind is always rational..its indeed a curse... to feel pain and not be able to let it out..to always feel for other ppl's hurt and sadness before mine..i will always be there to listen.. but who will listen to me..?
At times i feel that ppl find it hard for me to be sad..and that im strong enuf..maybe its coz i always seem to be happy and laughing..even when its really nt ok..but no one ever notices...and on some occasions i do try to say how i feel..and most of the times..they would ignore wat i have to say...and so i have learnt to keep quiet..is it a joke when i say im sad? even as i blog here..believe u me..there will nvr be sympathetic smses or calls to see how im doing...
Maybe i expect too much from ppl..juz because i can do it..doesnt mean everyone else can..its not an obligation or a must for them to care for me..i do it not for recognition...perhaps im not a good enuf fren..maybe im too selfish..maybe...i don deserve to be cared for..
And now..i stand at the crossroads of my life..a decision to make..that will change my life..and im afraid..will i be ok? will it be the right choice? my family supports me but there are things i cant let go off...will i regret it?
No one will know..its my choice to make...but i will have to confide in myself only..and no one else to turn to..the rain is reflecting my the emptiness i feel inside..my sadness..
Heartbroken..and torn..
~still counting down...7 days to go...~
Saturday, September 29, 2007
memories.. :)
it is a saturday again...fast fast fast...
these past few days have been recalling a lot of the past...old memories of when i used to work in the music school..though it was long hours and hard work and lots and lots of travelling..i must admit, those were the happiest times in my life ever..
even though i was alone at times, it was my best company..i never felt lonely..seriously i nvr did :) ... learning the saxophone, the viola, violin, and at one point the french horn..lolzz..and so much more..learning how to handle the sound system for performances..so much i learnt..and the truth is..it was always my dream to learn all that...
ever since i was a little girl..i remember my first singing competition, and my first public performance at a fren's uncle's wedding..lolz..i still remember the song i sang..it was a NKOTB song...rofl!
straight after form 5, when i started working and studying part time, i still had the desire to learn music..and so i went to this newly opened school and there i stayed for almost 8 years..a student and then an employee..hehe..
btw..like the background music playin now? it was a sampling done by a group frens and me years back when i was still very active in playing..guessed who played the sax here :P.. urs truly^^ nice leh..hehes..it was rendition of an old classical piece..sounds familiar? didnt know how similar it was to the original and that i even had this..lucky i had time to spring clean my stuff.. my frens were good! LOL!
mehh..now all my instrument are kept in the cabinet..need to start playing again liao:P...sheesh even the notes look alien to me >.>..need to find tat joy of playing again XDD
oh well..tats that..now how am i gonna spend the remaining of my weekend? SLEEP!!! WAHAHAHAA=x=x
"..dont say u care only when u need me..."
Love, hugss and muacksssssss^^
these past few days have been recalling a lot of the past...old memories of when i used to work in the music school..though it was long hours and hard work and lots and lots of travelling..i must admit, those were the happiest times in my life ever..
even though i was alone at times, it was my best company..i never felt lonely..seriously i nvr did :) ... learning the saxophone, the viola, violin, and at one point the french horn..lolzz..and so much more..learning how to handle the sound system for performances..so much i learnt..and the truth is..it was always my dream to learn all that...
ever since i was a little girl..i remember my first singing competition, and my first public performance at a fren's uncle's wedding..lolz..i still remember the song i sang..it was a NKOTB song...rofl!
straight after form 5, when i started working and studying part time, i still had the desire to learn music..and so i went to this newly opened school and there i stayed for almost 8 years..a student and then an employee..hehe..
btw..like the background music playin now? it was a sampling done by a group frens and me years back when i was still very active in playing..guessed who played the sax here :P.. urs truly^^ nice leh..hehes..it was rendition of an old classical piece..sounds familiar? didnt know how similar it was to the original and that i even had this..lucky i had time to spring clean my stuff.. my frens were good! LOL!
mehh..now all my instrument are kept in the cabinet..need to start playing again liao:P...sheesh even the notes look alien to me >.>..need to find tat joy of playing again XDD
oh well..tats that..now how am i gonna spend the remaining of my weekend? SLEEP!!! WAHAHAHAA=x=x
"..dont say u care only when u need me..."
Love, hugss and muacksssssss^^
Sunday, September 23, 2007
reflections..
2 days of pure zhu'ing =x...
i slept like there was no tomorrow k..but then at nite cannot sleep le..end up watching dvd after dvd to make myself sleepy.. at the 3 or 4th movie..it finally got me...but then at tat time it was already almost 6 am -.-"
Its been a nice weekend..quiet and relaxing..and uneventful..somehow i have a feeling it will not last :( .. as paranoid as i may seem..my gut feelings are normally quite accurate...hopefully its wrong this time...lolzz
omg? suddenly out of things to blog =x=x .. i blame the tv..its a distraction from my thoughts..pure and innocent thoughts :P wahahaha....okok i'll stop being lame..actually wanted to work on my blog this weekend..wanted to change the look abit..but as i said earlier.. too much zhu'ing >_<" oh well.. will work on it later when i come home..hehes.. going out to buy stuff in town.. YAY!
Suddenly realised that recently have been buying alot of orange coloured stuff..until a colleague of mine asked "is orange ur fav colour?" hmmmmm..actually its not lor..coincendence lar..juz so happen alot of stuff i got looks nice in orange...but then i do like brite colours..brightens up my life ;)
These past few days..have seen a lot of sad incidences..not to me.. but my heart goes out to them..it goes to show how unpredictable life can be..how the sweetest of memories can be gone in juz a second..tats why im learning to take a day at a time..learn to love each day as it comes..as much as i like to plan my ways..eh wait..i don really plan :P...anyway be thankful for wat u have today..it just might not be there tomorrow..
"..close your eyes and feel me hold you..can you lead me through this ordinary world...let the sky cry restless rain..to wash away the miles between us..till love can come redeem us..coz without you its just an ordinary world..."
~21 Days and counting^^~
Will post some pics again soon :P till then <33333 muackssss^^
i slept like there was no tomorrow k..but then at nite cannot sleep le..end up watching dvd after dvd to make myself sleepy.. at the 3 or 4th movie..it finally got me...but then at tat time it was already almost 6 am -.-"
Its been a nice weekend..quiet and relaxing..and uneventful..somehow i have a feeling it will not last :( .. as paranoid as i may seem..my gut feelings are normally quite accurate...hopefully its wrong this time...lolzz
omg? suddenly out of things to blog =x=x .. i blame the tv..its a distraction from my thoughts..pure and innocent thoughts :P wahahaha....okok i'll stop being lame..actually wanted to work on my blog this weekend..wanted to change the look abit..but as i said earlier.. too much zhu'ing >_<" oh well.. will work on it later when i come home..hehes.. going out to buy stuff in town.. YAY!
Suddenly realised that recently have been buying alot of orange coloured stuff..until a colleague of mine asked "is orange ur fav colour?" hmmmmm..actually its not lor..coincendence lar..juz so happen alot of stuff i got looks nice in orange...but then i do like brite colours..brightens up my life ;)
These past few days..have seen a lot of sad incidences..not to me.. but my heart goes out to them..it goes to show how unpredictable life can be..how the sweetest of memories can be gone in juz a second..tats why im learning to take a day at a time..learn to love each day as it comes..as much as i like to plan my ways..eh wait..i don really plan :P...anyway be thankful for wat u have today..it just might not be there tomorrow..
"..close your eyes and feel me hold you..can you lead me through this ordinary world...let the sky cry restless rain..to wash away the miles between us..till love can come redeem us..coz without you its just an ordinary world..."
~21 Days and counting^^~
Will post some pics again soon :P till then <33333 muackssss^^
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
random..
26 days left...slowly counting down...
life has been pretty slow..work has been the same..was on sick leave ytd..something suddenly came up -.- don feel like talking abt it..don feel like talking abt anything actually..sighzz..
at times im amazed at myself,
the things tat i go through, the days i live,
i know that there are other ppl who are not as better off,
i am truly grateful for wat i have,
honestly i am..,
and yet a part of me,
yearns to see new things,
to break away from this ordinary life,
to breathe in new air,
to know new people,
to be alive again...
to feel really loved,
to be cared for, to be remembered in sad and happy times,
to be...
happy....
wishful thinking it may seems,
but not all hope is lost,
for i believe it will be mine some day....
until then,
i will keep waiting, and praying,
for the people i love to feel exactly the same way...
happy....no matter wat...
life has been pretty slow..work has been the same..was on sick leave ytd..something suddenly came up -.- don feel like talking abt it..don feel like talking abt anything actually..sighzz..
at times im amazed at myself,
the things tat i go through, the days i live,
i know that there are other ppl who are not as better off,
i am truly grateful for wat i have,
honestly i am..,
and yet a part of me,
yearns to see new things,
to break away from this ordinary life,
to breathe in new air,
to know new people,
to be alive again...
to feel really loved,
to be cared for, to be remembered in sad and happy times,
to be...
happy....
wishful thinking it may seems,
but not all hope is lost,
for i believe it will be mine some day....
until then,
i will keep waiting, and praying,
for the people i love to feel exactly the same way...
happy....no matter wat...
Sunday, September 16, 2007
screwed up (*&(*$)_%+_^(*(&!&
I have recently realised that no matter wat you plan, wat you do, somehow someway it will always bite u in butt..lolz..
had a few bad days at work.. and one word sums it all up..screwed..to make a long story short.. no matter wat i had done and said to avoid all of it..it was still my fault..i suppose the oni reason why it was mine was because i newbie..someone easy to put the blame on..and wateva i had to do to defend myself did not matter anymore..i was sad and angry.. the main reason was because i felt i had done anything i could do and yet it was not enuf......
i confess that i dont like this job but i have always believed that these are the choices we make.. like it or not we have to live through it..and i had made mine knowing perfectly well the consequences...so i had put in all my efforts and mind in to it..it is only work.. but to me..i always believe in finishing wat i have started..and doing the best that i possibly can...it was certainly a dissapointment..
many thoughts came to mind at the time...things i was gonna do which not have been any good for my health now...felt like it din matter anymore...yea..i know i know..im too emo..luckily i din follow through wat i wanted to do..(thanks to ur sms and wat u said <3) 'n thanks to one who accompanied me tat nite...
i had time to think later..and tot it was silly of me to be angry at such stuff..tat's life...tats ppl..i now know i dont have to be upset of wat had happened coz i had done everything i could..and im proud of it..they will have to live with themselves for wat they did..and i pity them...wat they had done has made me lost respect for them and i always believe respect is something u earn..
so..ive put tat all behind me and carried on wif my work..and be happy abt it (still looking for new job though :P) wont pretend im not angry still..ima b1tch, bite me! lolzzz...
its been raining like crazy here..non stop rain...but its a sunday..so nvm^^
taken outside my house..heavy ritee? yawn~ sleepy le.. lol!
not very clear lar.. but still heavy lorrr..rofl..
ok..now tat i have gotten this off my chest.. im gonna go watch my death note2 le...and find lunch..
lotsa lotsa luv and hugsss..muakssssssssssss^^
had a few bad days at work.. and one word sums it all up..screwed..to make a long story short.. no matter wat i had done and said to avoid all of it..it was still my fault..i suppose the oni reason why it was mine was because i newbie..someone easy to put the blame on..and wateva i had to do to defend myself did not matter anymore..i was sad and angry.. the main reason was because i felt i had done anything i could do and yet it was not enuf......
i confess that i dont like this job but i have always believed that these are the choices we make.. like it or not we have to live through it..and i had made mine knowing perfectly well the consequences...so i had put in all my efforts and mind in to it..it is only work.. but to me..i always believe in finishing wat i have started..and doing the best that i possibly can...it was certainly a dissapointment..
many thoughts came to mind at the time...things i was gonna do which not have been any good for my health now...felt like it din matter anymore...yea..i know i know..im too emo..luckily i din follow through wat i wanted to do..(thanks to ur sms and wat u said <3) 'n thanks to one who accompanied me tat nite...
i had time to think later..and tot it was silly of me to be angry at such stuff..tat's life...tats ppl..i now know i dont have to be upset of wat had happened coz i had done everything i could..and im proud of it..they will have to live with themselves for wat they did..and i pity them...wat they had done has made me lost respect for them and i always believe respect is something u earn..
so..ive put tat all behind me and carried on wif my work..and be happy abt it (still looking for new job though :P) wont pretend im not angry still..ima b1tch, bite me! lolzzz...
its been raining like crazy here..non stop rain...but its a sunday..so nvm^^
taken outside my house..heavy ritee? yawn~ sleepy le.. lol!not very clear lar.. but still heavy lorrr..rofl..
ok..now tat i have gotten this off my chest.. im gonna go watch my death note2 le...and find lunch..
lotsa lotsa luv and hugsss..muakssssssssssss^^
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