Sunday, October 7, 2007

counting down the days...

I wish at times i was a little more dumb..i dont mean stupid but just abit less alert and sensitive abt ppl..even by the slightest body language or they way they talk..i would say 9 out of 10 times, i totally know wat they're getting at..Its not something to be proud of, not a gift as ppl would say to me..its more of a curse..

Most of the times..i act stupid and pretend not to understand..i do this because i hope that what im thinking of it not true...and i respect ppl's privacy..if they chose not to tell me wats going on..who am i to say otherwise..? even the closest of frens have been affected by it..

Im sorry was never done know wat you were always up to before telling and making you all feel defensive and protective..its juz a very strong sense of gut feeling..


Life would certainly be more simpler and happier...maybe its becoz im a sensitive and very emotional person..or maybe tats juz me..and no my judgement is nvr based on strictly angry or sad as i am .. my mind is always rational..its indeed a curse... to feel pain and not be able to let it always feel for other ppl's hurt and sadness before mine..i will always be there to listen.. but who will listen to me..?

At times i feel that ppl find it hard for me to be sad..and that im strong enuf..maybe its coz i always seem to be happy and laughing..even when its really nt ok..but no one ever notices...and on some occasions i do try to say how i feel..and most of the times..they would ignore wat i have to say...and so i have learnt to keep it a joke when i say im sad? even as i blog here..believe u me..there will nvr be sympathetic smses or calls to see how im doing...

Maybe i expect too much from ppl..juz because i can do it..doesnt mean everyone else can..its not an obligation or a must for them to care for me..i do it not for recognition...perhaps im not a good enuf fren..maybe im too selfish..maybe...i don deserve to be cared for..

And now..i stand at the crossroads of my life..a decision to make..that will change my life..and im afraid..will i be ok? will it be the right choice? my family supports me but there are things i cant let go off...will i regret it?

No one will know..its my choice to make...but i will have to confide in myself only..and no one else to turn to..the rain is reflecting my the emptiness i feel sadness..

Heartbroken..and torn..

~still counting down...7 days to go...~

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