Tuesday, January 8, 2008


To avoid more tags reminding me that i might have forgotten my 1st resolution of the year..or rather abandoned it..I most certainly did not!~=XX

So here i am.. guai guai blogging..lolzz..ok tats it..bb~ roflmao..

My life has been a roller coaster ride of emotions lately...esp these cpl of months..one after another they keep coming at me..making me tired almost everyday..i think alot..cant help it tats me..

Latest news in my life..? Just found out last nite that my long lost father who abandoned the family when i was 8 had past away...and quite a few years back...mum had heard it from frens who knew him but was nvr really certain..me? i jus found out last nite when i held his death certificate in my hand..

My mind went blank and yet i did not shed a tear.. not even one for the man that had made my existance in this world possible..other than the fact that his blood runs in my veins...i felt bad that i was unable to feel any sadness or sense of lose..when i did have a bit of emotion in me..i felt guilty..guilty becoz of my mum..wat she had to go through all those years of raising us alone..a single young woman whose life had suddenly ended when she had to raise 3 children by herself..

Im so torn....

Went to work in a state of daze..and told the news to my best fren at work...she asked me wat i felt at the time..i said nothing..and i cried..Not for losing a father but knowing i will never be able to confront him as an adult with my own mind and ask him the reasons he left..did he ever care for this family or was his pride of losing his family fortune so strong that he could not see wat was more important..i will never know the answers...How can i forgive and forget when i feel more angry now...Am i a bad person?

This is the man who tried to sell me when i was a baby..the man who did not work to support his family..the man who had an affair and left the family..how could i be a bad person to hate him? Maybe coz its not for me to judge what is rite and wat is wrong...im human too..He is the main reason why i find it so hard to trust in anyone..to always think of the negative instead of wat is positive..to always my emotions get the best of me...u might say ..tis is all an excuse..well bite me lolzz..

After all this..i guess i have no choice but to accept the fact that he is gone..and i will be wondering abt my childhood for the rest of my life..but i shall not let it ruin wat is to come and i will walk on..though i might not have had closure but it is certainly the end of that chapter for me...I shall not let this ruin my new year..and i will go on with i have planned xD..so wish me luck guys^^

So wateva ur stories are..no matter how hard and painful it is..i always believe there is light at the end of tunnel..juz remember that there are ppl who are more in need than u..

"...when u cease to dream..u cease to live..."

So..im still here..still alive and well and continuing loving the ppl ard me :P

Till my next blog (and i will remember k -.-") <333333333 muackss~

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